The Punter's Complete Guide to Ruining Everyone's Day on the Mountain
Editor’s Note: This satirical piece is written with love for our visitors - we’ve all been beginners once. Please ski responsibly and read the mountain safety guide.
Figure 1: Punters in their natural habitat, demonstrating the perfect “arms akimbo mid-air panic” technique
Ah, the noble art of being a punter! You’ve spent £3,000 on a week’s holiday and by God, you’re going to make sure everyone on the mountain knows about it. Here’s your essential guide to achieving maximum irritation per euro spent.
Chapter 1: Equipment and Attire
The Golden Rule: Your gear must cost more than a local’s monthly rent, but you must have absolutely no idea how to use any of it.
Essential Punter Kit:
- Skis: The longest, widest, most expensive skis in the shop. Bonus points if they’re designed for powder and you’re skiing on groomed runs.
- Clothing: Full fluorescent yellow outfit. You must be visible from the International Space Station.
- Helmet: Optional, because “I’m a good skier” (evidence to the contrary is irrelevant).
- Poles: Use them exclusively for pointing at things and poking other skiers.
Pro Punter Tip:
Rent your equipment the night before at 6 PM, ensuring maximum queue disruption for everyone trying to get sorted after work.
Chapter 2: Lift Etiquette for Maximum Annoyance
Loading the Chairlift:
- Wait until the very last second to approach the loading area
- Ski directly into the person next to you
- Sit down before the chair reaches you
- Ask loudly: “Is this thing safe?” while 50 meters off the ground
- Drop at least one pole, preferably onto someone below
The Gondola Experience:
- Pile in 8 people when the limit is 6
- Remove your boots immediately upon entering
- Discuss your cryptocurrency portfolio at maximum volume
- Ask the operator if you can stop halfway for photos
Chapter 3: On-Piste Behavior
The Art of the Random Stop
Perfect your technique of stopping suddenly in the middle of the piste for absolutely no reason. Ideal locations include:
- Just after blind corners
- The narrowest parts of cat tracks
- Directly below steep sections where people build speed
Group Dynamics
Travel in packs of 8-12 people, preferably spread across the entire width of the run. When locals try to pass, close ranks like a defensive wall. Bonus points for stopping your entire group to take photos on busy intersections.
The Punter Snowplow
Master the art of the uncontrolled snowplow that somehow takes up the entire piste width. Lean on your poles like walking sticks and maintain a look of pure terror throughout.
Chapter 4: Interaction with Locals
Essential Phrases:
- “Excuse me, do you speak English?” (said to people clearly speaking English)
- “How much is that in real money?”
- “In Verbier/St. Anton/insert expensive resort, they do it differently”
- “I ski blacks at home” (when struggling on a green run)
Restaurant Behavior:
- Complain that the menu isn’t in English
- Ask for modifications to traditional dishes
- Leave your skis blocking the entrance
- Tip in your home currency and act confused when it’s not appreciated
Chapter 5: Advanced Punter Techniques
The Equipment Malfunction
Master the art of having constant equipment problems:
- Bindings mysteriously releasing on flat terrain
- Boots that “suddenly don’t fit”
- Claiming your rental skis are “definitely not the same ones as yesterday”
The Medical Emergency
Perfect the dramatic fall on easy terrain, requiring ski patrol attention for what locals call “wounded pride syndrome.”
The Weather Expert
Despite never having skied in the Alps before, become an instant expert on local weather patterns. Contradict every forecast and blame the mountain for not having the snow conditions you specifically ordered.
Chapter 6: Après-Ski Mastery
Bar Behavior:
- Order complicated cocktails in mountain huts
- Ask for “proper beer” when offered local brews
- Complain about prices while ordering another round
- Tell everyone about the “much better” resort you went to last year
The Social Media Strategy:
Document every single moment of your incompetence for posterity. Post videos of yourself falling with captions like “Nailed it! 😂” Use at least 47 hashtags per post.
Chapter 7: Departure Day Excellence
On your final day, achieve maximum chaos by:
- Returning equipment 5 minutes before your transfer
- Arguing about damage charges for skis that look like they’ve been through a blender
- Blocking the equipment return area while having an emotional goodbye with your rental boots
- Missing your transfer and asking locals to drive you to the airport
Conclusion
Remember, being a punter isn’t just about skiing badly - it’s about creating memorable experiences for everyone around you. Sure, the locals might mutter things in French that your Google Translate probably shouldn’t repeat, but deep down, they appreciate your contribution to the local entertainment industry.
You’ve paid good money for this holiday, and by George, everyone else is going to pay for it too.
Safe skiing, everyone. And remember - we were all beginners once, even if some of us have clearly forgotten that…
Disclaimer: This article is written in the spirit of good humor. Please ski within your abilities, respect other mountain users, and consider taking lessons. Your local ski school instructors are saints who deserve hazard pay.