An Interview with Rémy Crabtroix: Valley Legend and Master of... Something
I met Rémy Crabtroix at his usual spot - the bar of the Hôtel des Alpages, where he holds court daily from 4 PM until… well, until they stop serving. What follows is our conversation, transcribed as accurately as possible despite his… unique way with words.
Pierre: Good afternoon, Rémy. Thank you for agreeing to this interview.
Rémy: Ah, Pissed Potatoes! It is my grit pleasure to speak with you. I am very gewd at the speaking, as you will dunderstand.
Pierre: Right. So, Rémy, you’ve been a fixture in our valley for over thirty years. Tell us about your career as a ski instructor.
Rémy: Ah yes, I was the very gewd ski instructor for many years. I was teaching the peepul how to… how you say… schki down the muntins with the grit elegance and the… the smoothness of the… er… smooth things.
Pierre: And you’re originally from England?
Rémy: Ah non! Common mestake. I am from the beautipul Savoy region, born and raised. My ancestors, they have been making the cheese here since the… since the very long time ago. But I learned the English language from watching the… how you say… the DVDs of the Benny Hill.
Pierre: That… explains a lot. Now, you retired from ski instruction five years ago. What do you do with your time now?
Rémy: I am very bizzy man! In the morning, I am doing the exercises for the body - I walk to the boulangerie for the croissants. This is keeping me in the peek physical condition. Then I am checking the weather conditions by looking out of the window - this is very scientific method that I developed myself.
Pierre: And in the afternoons?
Rémy: Ah, in the afternoons I am conducting the very important research here at the bar. I am studying the… the molecular structure of the wine and the beer. It is very complicated work that requires many years of experience. I am nearly ready to publish my findings.
Pierre: I see. And what are your findings so far?
Rémy: Well, I have discovered that the wine, it makes everything more… more interesting. And the beer, it makes the skiing stories much better. Also, I have learned that if you drink enough of both, you can ski very gewd in your dreams.
Pierre: Fascinating. Now, you’re known around the valley for your… unique approach to helping tourists. Can you tell us about that?
Rémy: Ah yes! The tourists, they come to me with their problems, and I am giving them the excellent advice. Just yesterday, a lady tourist, she asked me how to get to the Aiguille du Midi. I told her - very carefully - to take the cable car that goes up to the… to the pointy mountain with the snow on top. Very precise directions!
Pierre: And did she find it?
Rémy: Well, she found something. I am sure it was very close to what she was looking for.
Pierre: You also run informal “mountain safety talks” for visitors. How do those go?
Rémy: Ah, these are very popular! I teach them the essential mountain safety. For example, if you are caught in avalanche, you must ski faster than the snow. This is basic physics. Also, if you are lost on the mountain, you must find the mountain hut. Very simple!
Pierre: And how exactly does one find a mountain hut when lost?
Rémy: Easy! You look for the… for the hut. On the mountain. It is usually brown, or sometimes not brown. And it has a door. Most of the time.
Pierre: Right. Now, you’ve become something of a local legend. People come from all over to hear your stories. What’s your most memorable ski instruction experience?
Rémy: Ah, this is gewd story! Many years ago, I was teaching the very important businessman from London. He wanted to learn the skiing in just one day because he was “very athletic” and “quick learner.” So I took him to the top of the Vallée Blanche.
Pierre: The Vallée Blanche? That’s an advanced off-piste route!
Rémy: Oui! I thought he would appreciate the… the authentic alpine experience. He spent most of the day sitting in the snow, making the phone calls to his insurance company. But by the end, he could slide down on his bottom very efficiently. I called this technique “le businessman glissade.”
Pierre: Good God. Was he alright?
Rémy: Oh yes, very gewd! He sent me Christmas card every year for ten years. Always with the same message: “Rémy, you are completely mad.” I think this was English way of saying “thank you.”
Pierre: You also give wine tours to visitors. How did that start?
Rémy: Well, the tourists, they always ask about the local culture. So I take them to visit all the bars in the village. This is cultural tour! We start at 10 AM with the morning coffee and the cognac - this is traditional alpine breakfast. Then we visit each establishment to sample the local… local expertise.
Pierre: And how do these tours usually end?
Rémy: Usually with everyone singing. Sometimes there is dancing. Once, there was a conga line that went all the way to the post office. The postmaster was not amused, but I think this was because he was not invited to join.
Pierre: You’ve never married, Rémy. Any particular reason?
Rémy: Ah, well, I have been too bizzy with my research. Also, the ladies, they sometimes do not appreciate my… my unique approach to the romance. I once took a lady friend to the most romantic spot in the valley - the lift maintenance shed - and she was not impressed. I thought the industrial machinery was very… how you say… atmospheric.
Pierre: What advice would you give to young people coming to work in the mountains?
Rémy: Very important advice! First, you must learn to speak the language of the mountain. This includes French, English, German, and also the language of the après-ski, which is mostly pointing and loud laughing. Second, you must develop the stomach of iron. The mountain food, it is very… rustic. And third, you must always remember - the mountain, she is beautiful but also very dangerous. Especially after 5 PM when the bars open.
Pierre: Any plans for the future?
Rémy: Oh yes, very big plans! I am thinking of writing the book about my experiences. It will be called “How to Ski Good and Do Other Things Good Too.” I am also considering starting the cooking school, where I teach people how to make the traditional mountain cuisine using only the microwave and the good intentions.
Pierre: Final question - what does this valley mean to you?
Rémy: [getting unexpectedly emotional] This valley, she is my home. Every morning when I wake up and see these mountains, I think - I am the luckiest man in the world. Even if I cannot always find my pants from the night before, I am still the luckiest man. The people here, they accept me even though I am… how you say… completely bonkers. This is true mountain spirit.
Pierre: Thank you, Rémy. Any final words for our readers?
Rémy: Yes! Remember always - life is like skiing. Sometimes you go fast, sometimes you fall down, and sometimes you end up in a tree wondering how you got there. But if you keep moving and don’t take yourself too seriously, eventually you will find your way to the bar at the bottom. And that, my friends, is the secret of happiness!
Rémy Crabtroix can be found most afternoons at the Hôtel des Alpages, where he continues his “research” and dispenses wisdom to anyone willing to listen. He is currently working on his memoirs, though progress has been slow due to what he calls “extensive field research.” The valley wouldn’t be the same without him.
Editor’s Note: Please do not follow Rémy’s skiing or safety advice. His wine tour recommendations, however, are surprisingly excellent.